I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
