i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
