also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
