Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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