Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
