ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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