she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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