I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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