I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
