I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
