You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
