Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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