If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
