everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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