I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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