I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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