the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
