Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
