I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
