got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
