Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize