Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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