Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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