Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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