Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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