My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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