just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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