Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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