it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
