she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
