im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
