ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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