I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
