i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
