Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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