I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
