1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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