I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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