Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is Oprah even human
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
