You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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