If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
