just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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