you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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