If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I should be sponsored by Trojan
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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