I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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