If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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