I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
