actually, I'm a sock model
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
