Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
