I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
