Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
