Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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