I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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