Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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