I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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