Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
